From: (Htun Aung Gyaw)
EMail: bookwormz_99@yahoo.com
(Htun Aung Gyaw)
When I gained my consciousness, I was so dizzy and I did not know where I was. My whole body was aching and sweating. I tried to roll my body but I couldn't. I tried to stand up but I couldn't. I did not know what was happening to me. I couldn't move my body. Was I paralyzed? I didn't know. Within a few minutes, I realized that my hands were stuck with my body, and my legs were folded and my knees were touching with my head. I was in the sitting position.
<bold>"Oh! My god, I was trapped in a very tiny cell."
</bold>
Who put me in this tiny cell? I did not know. When I clearly knew my situation, I understand that if I could not get out form this cell within 24 hours, I would be dead. How long I had been unconscious in this cell, one-day or many days? I had no answer. Did I commit a crime? I did not know. Who were my enemies? I did not know. Where was I? No answer. I was so frightening and trembling. I tried to shout but my mouth was so sticky and my lips were stuck each other.
Who did it to me such a terrible thing, "let me free, let me out" I shouted but my voice was so weak and I myself hardly hear it. I tried to lift my head but it was so heavy and my neck was painful. My whole body was aching because of the uneasy position. The cell was totally dark and I could not see my hands or my body because there were no windows. I was hardly breathing because it was a tight cell. Within a day or several hours, the oxygen would run out from this cell and my existence on this earth would be terminated soon.
I felt that my whole body was wet with sticky liquid; I smelled it and I knew I was bleeding and sweating.
<bold>"Let me get out from this hell!"</bold>
My sound echoes to me but after that it was a dead silent. I can only hear my breath. Yes, I was breathing and still alive. I had no hope to be free and I started to cry. I was crying alone in the dark. I could not recall who I was and my past. I had no memories for the past. Who I am and why I was here. All my memories were black out and I could not recall them. I lost my selves. I only thing I knew was, I had to get out from this tiny cell as soon as possible. It was so painful to stay like that. I want to stretch my body and legs but the room was too small to move. Someone was torturing to me.
I tried to move my head but my head was still rested on my knees. I tried again and again; finally I could lift my head a little bit. I started to move my head up and down. After one hour, I could move pretty well; up and down, side-by-side, I moved my head and did some exercise to strengthen my neck's muscle. Then, I tried to lift my arms but I could not move it at all. I tried again and again but it did not work like my head. The only thing I could move was my head. The whole body was paralyzed except my neck and my head. It was a total depression. I had no hope to live again. It was the most terrible time in my life. I shouted:
<bold>"Somebody help me please"
</bold>
But I did not receive any response. I was so thirsty and my throat was dry.
"I want water! I want to drink!"
I shouted but no one gave me the water. I became desperate and did not know how to get out from his hell. Yes, it was a hell.
I finally decided to do something rather than weeping hopelessly. The only two things I could do were; to shout for help or break the wall with my head that I could only move. So I choose the second option.
I smashed the wall with my forehead again and again. My head was swollen and very painful after one hour of smashing the wall but the wall never seem to break down, but it shake when I pound it with my head. I was so tired and painful. I lost my hope in the second time and weep hopelessly. I was so tired and fell asleep.
Doom! Doom! Doom!
Tap! Tap! Tap!
I suddenly wake up when I heard the noise. Doom! Doom! Tap! Tap!
What was it? Again I heard the sound.
Suddenly, I realized that it was someone near me, some one like me in the cell. He/she was smashing the wall like me and trying to contact me with a tapping noise. I was really happy and knew that I was not alone. I suddenly tapped back and contacted the person. I received the message from my left side. Then I received from my right side; I heard a tapping noise from a far side. There were so many people out there like me in the cells. I was very excited and tapped again. I am not alone and had a hope to be free. After we contacted each other we tried to smash the walls from our respective sides. I heard the pounding noise and the wall was shaken. I tried my best, smashed the wall with my head, again and again. The wall was shaking a little bit but it did not seem like breaking down. My hope was fading after I tried for an hour or so. I was too tired and my head was so painful. Finally, I give up and stop pounding the wall. I told myself:
<bold>Let it go! Wait for your last breath, It is impossible to break the strong wall, there is no way out, and prepare to die. If you try, it is painful and very tired but no chance to break, so take a rest and wait for the death!
</bold>
I was so hopeless and fell asleep again. While I was sleeping, I still heard the pounding noises from other cells. Suddenly, I heard some one shouted for freedom! It was the first time I heard the voice of other person. The desire for freedom was pumping my blood to rise again. I eagerly raise my head and pounding the wall. It was so painful, my eyes were watery because of the pain but I did not stop pounding it. I took a rest after 15 minutes and pounding again. My head was numb and I did not feel any pain after an hour of hard work. My body began to crumble and I told myself:
"Do not give up! If you give up you will die! No body can help you! Every body is trying for their own survival"
Even though, I encouraged myself, my strength was dropping rapidly. I felt hopeless again and started losing my confidence. I closed my eyes and breath slowly. I was in a half sleep position, when I heard the cracking sound from near by cell.
<bold>"The wall is cracking. Freedom is coming. Don't give up brothers and sisters"
</bold>I was so thrilled to hear the voice of freedom! I concentrated all my power and smashed the wall with all my energies, thinking that I would die right away or get freedom. It was so powerful that, my head bounced back but I hear the cracking sound from the wall. I ignored about my dizziness and pain and smashed the wall again for the second time. The wall had begun to crack. A tiny light getting shed on me and it was so bright that I had to close my eyes. I was so tired and nearly fell asleep.
<bold>"Wake up my son don't give up freedom is at a hand reach. Do it! Do it for us ! do it for yourself"
</bold>
I realize that it was my mother's call for freedom for her beloved children.
I heard the voices of my brothers and sisters who got freedom and they are coming out form their cell. I heard their rejoicing songs. I forced myself not to fell asleep and not to give up. I lifted my head and pounded again and again to the cracking wall.
I saw my brothers and sisters smashing the wall from outside and encouraging me not to give up. Every time I smashed the wall with my head, the cracks were bigger and bigger. The wall started to broke down.
Finally, the wall fell apart and I stretched my legs and straighten my back.
Then I stand up and shouted,
"<bold>I am free</bold>"
The young peacock was born from its egg. He was so tired and fell asleep under his mother chest. It was so warm and very comfortable for him.
I wrote this story when I was in notorious Insein Prison. All my writing were later searched and destroyed by the wardens in 1976. I rewrite this story in Thai-Burma border when I served as the Chairman of All Burma Students' Democratic Front (ABSDF) in Dawn Oo Way newsletter in Burmese. After resettle in The United States for eight years, I manage to write it again in English. This time the story is dedication to Min Ko Naing who gave a speech in 1988 that "we can smash the wall with our heads if the wall is shaky and very thin".
When I was captured in 1975, the military intelligence told me that, "don't be stupid, you cannot smash the concrete wall with your head. Even though you die, the wall is still unshakable". This story tells you that the wall is shakable and breakable, if we have faith.
Htun Aung Gyaw